lifeline

You know the saying, "I'm at the end of my rope"?  Isn't something miraculous or at least uplifting supposed to happen when you reach that point?  Or, more accurately, when you slide to that knot...  that knot that is meant to give you a little extra time to save yourself or for someone else to save you, before falling into the depths of the unknown.  I only assume something like that is supposed to happen because everyone always says "It will be okay... no matter how bad things are now, it will be all right." Nobody ever says, "It's over, your life is eternally doomed for misery."  It's a lie.  It is possible, very possible, for a happy ending to never show up.  It happens all the time. 

I was there, at that last knot, hanging there for a long time, too long, and wasn't strong enough, and despite my cries for help, no one heard.  I have fallen, finally, into the dark, cold pit called hopeless.  The lifeline back to truth and love is out of reach, and there is nothing now, that I can do.
I've tried to understand how I even got here.  Most people don't even brave this war and they cowardly dispose of something that once was beautiful.  But I did, and have gone back to fight for it over and over, always with the faith that there will be a bloom of change.  That glorious change that would make all the bad disappear.  Do I not deserve that relief for all the selfless attempts I've endured to save it?  To save them.  Obviously I don't, so I will just exist by playing my roll, like a little girl's barbie doll, in her big barbie doll house, with a plastic smile until the day He comes to save us.  All of us.  Happiness, until then, is just a fantasy... one that I refuse to be foolish enough to try and live.