too far gone

"The mere fact that you realize you need help, indicates you are not too far gone."

I heard this quote, spoken by Lucy from 'A Charlie Brown Christmas' the other day while making dinner in the kitchen.  And it got me thinking.  Where am I on the "too far gone" scale?  Every time I think of this, it just humors me!  One, because it's adorable hearing that sentence come out of a child's mouth and two, because, I really, honestly, truly believe, that I AM infact, somewhere on that scale... and progressing deeper into it.  Hey, at least I can laugh about it.  And I must not yet be "TOO FAR GONE" if I know I'm even there. 

Although, that realization feels like watching the back end of a tunnel light as I ride a train farther and farther away from it... getting smaller and smaller...  soon, I fear, I might not realize it anymore.

That's okay, I think it could be fun, being a little crazy...

After all, some of the most amazing, famous, and beneficial people in history were a little crazy.  Which leads me to think, maybe it's all the normal people that are really the crazy ones. 

Yeah, I think that's what I think.

Normal people are insane.

Bye bye, Baby

I feel so weird today!  Giddy, but completely unmotivated.  Maybe it's because I have an awesome weekend coming up, and my Moose'hair is coming today!  Yay!  I have so much to do!  I think it's so much that I'm just overwhelmed and don't know how to start...  I'm in trouble.

I can't believe my youngest, and last little babe, is gonna be FIVE YEARS OLD in a few days!  It's so cliche, but seriously, how did that happen?  It's like that saying in the song, 'Sunrise, Sunset' "I don't remember growing older, when did they?"  That's how I feel, I look in the mirror, and there are a few wrinkles there that weren't there a few years ago, but other than that, time REALLY flew by.

All right, well enough nonsense....  I have got to get my butt in gear.  Here we go.

pleasant surprise

There are three floors in one of the buildings I work at every night. I keep my purse and my coat on a shelf in the closet on 1st floor and spend most of my time working on 2nd floor. Well, after being upstairs for about two and a half hours, I came downstairs to get something from my purse. When I got there, someone had left me a very thoughtful gift. It made me smile the rest of the night... and will no doubt keep me in a good mood at work, all winter long! (I know it was you Terri!) Here's what she left me, taped to the wall...

He should have won AGAIN this year, I'm sorry, but Ryan Reynolds? He can't even stand in the same category, no one can, Johnny is in a class of his own. The class of untouchable gorgeousness... and yes, I'm aware of how obsessed I sound.

The heart of a photograph

This last weekend I went through all the archives of my photos, with the intention of organizing them, we're talking thousands of photos. Yeah, a little overwhelming to say the least... this might take like, oh I don't know, a few months or so. Anyway, that's besides the point. In looking through them, I just wanted to be able to jump into some of the photos, and just vacation there... all winter :)

This is why I love photography! Your mind can hold a memory, but over time the true image of it gets manipulated and warped. But thanks to the best invention ever, the camera of course, I can look at a stand still moment of time ... every blade of grass, every freckle on a face and every cloud in the sky of the days I never want to forget.

These are some of my favorite days.

The never ending circular ride.

Does it make me a "grinch" to think that Christmas, along with all these other ridiculous holidays that completely misrepresent the true meaning behind them are just numbing the societies that practice them into zombie like humans?

Every year we go through the same thing.... like robotic clock work. January, new years, February, valentines day, March, st. patties, April, Easter, and so on and so on, all the way til it starts all over again the next January. I think it makes time go by a million miles per second. We're always getting ready for the next thing... it's so sickly repetitive.

Why do people need a crutch like Christmas as a reason to get together with their families or to be kind to humanity because it's "Christmas" "Tis the season" Why don't we just be honest and say, "In order to make myself feel like a decent humane being, I'm going to do something nice for this poor family in honor of the Christmas season, but I could really care less about the poverty you're in any other time of the year!" Is there something difficult about caring for others, and having the urge to spend time with family any other time of the year? Wouldn't the randomness of doing generous and loving acts any time throughout the year be more meaningful and exciting? I mean really think about it, what kind of message are we giving to our children? "oh it's Christmas time again! Time to think about baby Jesus and be nice to people." What? Is there something preventing us from doing that every day all year round? We seriously need a time of year for that?

Twenty seven years of the same thing over and over and over again.... I feel like I need to wake up from this coma! And each year goes by faster and faster and faster! I can't imagine how quickly my 50th year will go by, at this rate it will probably seem like two weeks.

I know all these stupid holidays are super fun for the kids and all, I won't deny, I loved them as a kid. I just can't help but have a sense of guilt, taking part in it when it has become so commercialized. Christmas=Santa (You better not shout you better not cry, you better not pout because Santa Claus is comin and he KNOWS who's been naughty or nice!!) Easter= A gigantic, pink, scary ass rabit. Enough said. St. Patricks= a green creepy little leprechaun looking for his gold. Valentines Day= The day out of the year to show your spouse that you love them? Oh yes, and to spend extra money in the store, for no apparent reason. Independance Day... now there is a holiday that I honestly love and respect, it will soon lose it's meaning with the way our socialist president is running things though, so soon that will just be added to the list as a day to spend hundreds on fireworks. Holloween= do I even need to say anything here? Let's just bow down to Satan, okay? Thanksgiving= Why can't we be thankful everyday? Why do we need to stuff our mouths to the point of feeling like we have to throw
up when our neighbors at the very same moment are curled in the fetal position in bed because their stomachs hurt so bad of hunger? And possibly one of the most nausiating of all, Black Friday... the mentality of these people is horrific.

God Bless America, and forgive us of all the ignorant and selfish customs we partake in.

How to Clean the Closet

I crave to know what it would feel like to open my closet door, and one by one, take out a big, dirty, black bag and empty its contents all over my front yard for all of the neighbors and people driving by to see. Oh the relief, the breath of fresh air I could inhale having a clean, organized closet. But such a cleansing feeling comes with a price, the pointed fingers, icy stares, and echoing whispers . That is a price I regrettably cannot afford to pay at the moment. Dusty and packed ceiling high, my closet will continue to stay for now. Hopefully, the hinges holding the door are strong enough to withstand the pressure for a while longer. I need another closet.
Forgiveness. Such a common, understated word. An abused word above all else. I've always considered myself to be a forgiving person. But the fact that my closet is so full to the point that the walls around it are starting to crack with pressure proves that I am not forgiving, I am just yet another abuser of the word. How precious and powerful, the action of true forgiveness. Like boiling water transforming to steam, rising into the air, never to be seen or heard of again. Gone. As if it never existed. How wonderful, a clean closet and, bonus, a clean front yard as well! Like all good things, this isn't easy to achieve. This true forgiveness doesn't come from a human's natural ability.
God fills so many voids in us, that we don't even realize or give Him credit and thanks for. Live in me so that I can forgive.

Short and not so sweet.

Winter is here, and I'm feeling it. Three loads of laundry are waiting for me in the basement. Dishes in the sink are rising like a stack of Phil Ivey's poker chips. I can almost hear the carpet screaming desperately for the vacuum... and what am I doing? Blogging. And even that seems somewhat of a chore at the moment. All I want right now, is my bed. To sink inside it's warm embrace and ignore the world. How pathetic.

Thanks Mom... (Destiny part 2)

There's this cute little wooden sign in one of the lab rooms of a clinic I work at. It says, "If at first you don't succeed, do it like your mother told you." which coincidentally I found myself having to apply last night, after receiving a phone call from my mom. I won't go into detail about the root of my last blog, but as mother's always know, she knew without me saying, what circumstance was causing me to dwell on the thought of destiny/fate and God's will. I'm kind of amazed that she figured what it was, but I'm not surprised.
So anyway, this is what she told me, and she's right. God is our Father. Sometimes, just as we prepare our children for the harsh world they live in, by putting them through trials, so does God, and only out of love. It is still up to us to make a choice, and to get whichever grade, we deserve according to our choice. For every action there is a reaction, and we are responsible for whatever happens. God might allow obstacles to cross our path for our own good, but he doesn't force any outcome on anyone.
Philippians 4:6 is amazing. Paul says, "Don't worry about ANYTHING; instead, pray about EVERYTHING. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
I have anxiety problems, and this verse is God telling me that there is nothing in this world that I have to worry about! My Father is more powerful than I can even begin to imagine, and at the same time, He loves ME! More than I can even understand. He WANTS me to give all my anxiety and burdens to Him, and to go on living my life completely rid of it all, because He'll handle it for me! What an awesome offer, it should be so easy!! Could it be, that the reason adults have such a hard time with this, and that we are so unhappy all the time is because of our lack of FAITH!? In Mark 10:14-15 JESUS Himself tells us, "Let the children come to me. Don't stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you, anyone who doesn't have their kind of faith will never get into the Kingdom of God." Look at how happy and carefree children are! There is not a doubt in their little hearts that Jesus is right beside them loving them and taking care of them, and they don't have to worry about anything. This is how I want to live.

Destiny?

I find myself questioning every little thing lately. I don't believe in destiny. I never have, and I am almost certain I never will. Events that happen in your life are results of choices you make, not because it was 'destined' to happen. I mean, come on, seriously, who can honestly believe that load of crap. "What's meant to be will be." What the heck does that even mean? Really, I hate it when that bogus comes out of someones mouth. How lame.
What really irritates me is how this false ideology comes across as so blissful, romantic, and appealing. This whole concept is a wolf in sheep's clothing, and there is certainly nothing blissful about it. For who is going to care about his or her actions when they believe that no matter what they do, their life has a destined outcome. Give me a break. Can you say recipe for disaster!? Poor naive person, they'll go about making mistake after mistake, not knowing that because of their foolishness, there is a possibility of no light at the end of the tunnel. And it was NOT their destiny to have a very unhappy ending, it was they themselves who lead themselves there. Tragic.
So, this brings me to my question, as I stated in the first sentence, that I've been questioning everything lately. God's will. I know God's will is real, and when I pray, I ask that His will, will be done. So I'm trying to differentiate between God's will and destiny, because I know they are different, obviously, one is very real, and the other is a deceitful lie. But they are also so similar. Doesn't asking for God's will to be done, permit Him to take over and direct my path? (That path being what I want or in many cases what I don't want, since I don't know what's best for me, only God does) Is it possible for God's will NOT to be done?! That's a scary thought... does that ever happen?
Time to whip out the dictionary. Will: to choose, personal choice, command, last wishes, to cause. Hmmm. So in having someone else apply THEIR own will to MY own life, is kind of like destiny right? But God doesn't give us a destiny, we choose our own fate. I'm confused. I'll have to study this. I'll come back to this when I find my answer.

Wake Up Call!

I think I could seriously go lay in my bed right now, and be completely passed out cold in 3 minutes flat, and sleep until 3. I won't complain that I worked til 1:30 last night, because I need the money desperately, so I'm thankful I have enough work to keep me busy for a full shift, but let me tell you, having to be up at 6:30 sucks. I don't know how people can regularly function on 4 hours of sleep, that's insane... I'm pretty sure I require at least 9 to be a human and not a zombie in the morning.
Well, I've gotten a good amount of feedback on my last blog, (Thank you everyone who took some time to give me advice!) I still haven't figured out what to do, so I think I'm just going to sit on it for a while. I'm sure the answer I'm looking for will come to me after spending some time in prayer. I'm not going to worry about it. Worrying is such a waste of time.
"Do not Worry. Learn to pray about everything. Give thanks to God as you ask Him for what you need. The peace of God is much greater than the human mind can understand. This peace will keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7
"We know that God makes all things work together for the good of those who love Him and are chosen to be a part of His plan." Romans 8:28
What a wake up call, a realization of how foolish, selfish, and LUCKY I am. I have a husband, he has a job, I have a job, we have two beautiful, healthy children, a spacious, sturdy house over our head, a furnace to keep the house warm, beds, plenty of clothes and shoes, food, water, at least one working car, a huge family who loves us, many friends, good grief, I could go on with this list for hours, literally. It's a humbling and sobering experience to realize how silly the things are that I am worrying about compared to what millions of others are suffering every single second.
No more sulking in worry and self pity, it really is honestly shameful. Doesn't my worrying show a lack of faith in my God's love for me? How much more satisfying will my life be when troubles come, and I choose instead to be joyful and thankful for all of my blessings!

In over my head?

So, I recently started a so far, semi-legitimate photography business. I'm loving it. I was loving it. You know when you do something, just because you can and want to at the time, but as soon as someone TELLS YOU to do it, you totally don't want to. Okay, this analogy isn't working well, how can I explain this... straight forward > I love taking pictures, I am passionately in love with it.... BUT, making an appointment with someone to take the kind of photos THEY are looking for, the pressure to make them perfectly the way they want it, the fear that it might not be good enough, it's starting to make me feel anxious. Anxiety is the worst feeling in the world.
Is this dream of mine going to slowly kill the passion I have for this gift I've been given? Isn't it everyone's dream to be able to make a living by doing what they love, by pursuing a hobby? Why is this turning out to be a burden?
Now, if I decide that maybe I got in over my head with this business, and drop out, I'll have my freedom back to photograph what I want to, to be an artist of what I choose... but I will feel like a failure, a quitter. Every business has its ups and downs, I realize I need to take the bad with the good, but the scale needs to be in proportion, and if things were weighing in the right way, would I feel like this? Can a person be so strong willed and yet so weak all at the same time? That's me, in a little nut shell. A hard outer layer with a soft and chewy inside. I don't know what to do.